May 25, 2010

Been thinking about how much I enjoy the way I’m living now. Working hard on transcribing MABF’s journals and reading a lot, fiction, poetry, and mostly non-fiction. New ideas and paths of research turn up each day because of the journals, and I want to follow them all. I don’t feel blocked or without energy the way I have for the last 27 years. Even though I’m very sad that it’s too late to do any actual good by producing a body of work that would mean something, I’m glad to be doing what I’m doing. And I’m glad I’m here, especially when I’m in certain parts of the city, or when I read about MABF going someplace that I go. Much satisfaction in my work right now, something I have never felt before. I am also completely overwhelmed by the scope of the task I’ve chosen, or that has chosen me. There’s a good chance I can’t actually do it, but knowing that doesn’t make me want to quit. Makes me work harder. So here I am, on my balcony on a beautiful spring evening, glad I’m where I am doing what I’m doing. Now if I weren’t so completely alone…